Dan Jamieson: I only came to quaff the wine, flirt and gossip

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  Oh Christ. This was meant to be just an afternoon thing not an all-fucking-nighter.
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  Enough idle chit-chat. Pour the fucking wine already.
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  Please do not get in our way when we are recklessly day drinking.
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  When I said sorry I am busy I meant I did not want to come.

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  Thank you for coming. We wish you had left hours ago.

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  New home same shit smell
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  Please stop locking eyes with me when it is time to fart
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  We must confess we only came to raid your best wine and cause chaos

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  We only stayed as we heard you had Goldeneye and four controllers

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  Darling, trust me, I am a thespian

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  Hate plate for a downstairs toilet where you send your least favourite guests

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  Pass the wine to pass the time

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  I am sorry for zoning out while you re-enacted a scene from a period drama

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  I am sorry that I realised I only find you interesting when sharing your coke
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  I only came to steal your wine, flirt and gossip (black)

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  Oh of course we would love to see more of your wedding photos

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  Please remind the guests to leave at the designated time

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  Thank you for coming, I'll send you a link for replacement glasses

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  Thank you for coming. Where is my birthday present?

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  The loo brush is not there purely for fucking decoration

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  We are thrilled you invited yourself to stay the night and all day tomorrow too

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  We only stayed as we heard you have mushrooms

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  When is the earliest we can tell everyone to leave?

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  Fuck your fucking smoothies I am making violently potent negronis and having fun

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  I am sorry that I do not share your enthusiasm for your new dog (black)

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  We only stayed as we heard you ordered good coke
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  Fuck you cunt wanker

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  Pour the fucking wine already

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  When I play Another Day In Paradise it is definitely time for everyone to leave

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  I'd rather be at home eating crisps in bed

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  Oh do shut the fuck up about your lovely time away and how it was well deserved (black)

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  When is it socially acceptable to leave?

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  Just trust me that now is the perfect moment to wow the party with Something Got Me Started

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  Oh fuck. Not another WhatsApp group that I will hastily archive

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  I only came to get good content

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  Just please stop. There are more than enough cushions

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  Sorry, no chance of fucking tonight as I am regrettably full of jacket potato

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  Sorry, they're menthol
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  Thanks for the super plume of sickly sweet vape smell you insufferable bellend

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  Please do not make it awkward by showing us your amateur breakdancing
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  We were all having a nice time until you came in and farted

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  Babes, stop saying your sofa is super vintage when it is Ikea 2020
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  Please do not expect me to commit to any Sunday plans

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  Careful we are still seething from your last whoops-a-daisy with our favourite glasses (black)

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  Who drank all the fucking orange wine?

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  This hate plate is to remind you to fuck off at a sensible time

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  Please stop sending boring photos to the group chat

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  When I ask you how work is going I am not really listening

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  I must confess I hearted the video you sent without actually watching it

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  This hate plate was a panic buy

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  Please do not worry it was not sentimental just rather expensive (black)

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  Please tell the guests to vacate

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  I only came to gossip, drink your best wine and dance my ass off

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  Please do not vape in the house like some cunty teenager on the bus

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  We must confess we only came to drink your best martinis and cause chaos

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  Please do not invite your ex to my drinks do
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  Sorry but Sunday afternoon is my dedicated snacks, big wank and duvet time

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  Fuck your fucking Chai shitting latte I am making breakfast bellinis

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  When I ask if you need anything please just say no thanks

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  I am sorry but I am finding it hard to get excited about your new sofa (black)
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  Sorry but please do not expect me to return the favour

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  Now is not the time to kill the mood with your nostalgic indie wank
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  Don't you dare interrupt us when we are singing to Dolly Parton

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  We both know I will not listen to your enthusiastic podcast recommendation
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  A packet of cheese and onion and a wank will have to do

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  Another shitty night with your shitty friends
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  Don't you dare interrupt the playlist with your drunken rendition of Steps 5 6 7 8
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  Fantastic. You drank all the nice wine

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  I am far too pissed to care for your bullshit

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  I am sorry for overly referencing Tim Robinson's 'I Think You Should Leave'
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  I only came to take a festering, triple flushing shit in your lovely new bathroom
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  I only stayed as I heard fish finger sandwiches were coming
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  If you do have to stay the night please save your monstrous hangover poo for home

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  Just trust me that now is the moment to play 'ain't it funny' by JLo feat Ja Rule
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  Keep topping me up and I will tolerate your company

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  Let's go home, watch shit reality tv in bed with an array of maize snacks
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  Mr and Mrs shit taste in interior design

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  No one cares that your jeans are selvedge Japanese denim
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  No one cares where the silly sodding napkins are from
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  Oh please stop your waffling and pour the sodding wine

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  Painfully pointless prosecco party

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  Please just shush so we can drunk sexy dance to any Nelly Furtado song but preferably one feat Timbaland
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  Please no fucking politics at the party

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  Please politely tell the guests to piss off home
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  Please stop adding shit nostalgic songs from your youth to the carefully curated playlist

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  Please stop boring me with your tedious and complicated exercise routine
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  Please stop saying 'if you can't beat em Clapham' anytime someone suggests Clapham
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  Please take the very obvious hints as it is very fucking well past home time
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  Please tell the guests to go. I feel a fart coming

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  Sorry I have diarrhoea that evening
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  Thank you for coming. Where is my hosting gift?
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  Thank you for interrupting my outstanding story with your fucking shit story

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  We are sorry but everyone agrees you were a gigantic knobhead at the afternoon tea

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  We know it was your rancid, retina burning, panic attack inducing fart
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  We only stayed as we heard you were playing the Moldy Peaches debut in it's entirety
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  What the fuck did 'hoochie mamas show your nanas' mean?
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  When I ask about your week I am not listening

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  When we put the Lidl hash browns in the oven it is definitely time for everyone to leave
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  You make me clammy
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  Your 'don't worry I dabbled in dj-ing at uni' does not fill me with much hope
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  Your verbal diarrhoea is not welcome here

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  New home same shit taste (black)
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  Please do not overstay your welcome (black)
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  Rather pretty shitty vase for pretty shitty flowers
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  Oh god. Not another achingly dull still life painting involving some fucking flowers and fruit

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  Please stop banging on about your dull holiday drama involving your in flight neck pillow and pour the ruddy wine
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  Please take the unsubtle hints and order a fucking cab as we are bored talking about your child reaching its many milestones
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  Please do not demand to interrupt the carefully curated playlist with shit songs from your very forgettable wedding
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  Now is probably not the best time to WhatsApp your dealer (saved as Dr Rugs)

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  Don't you dare expect me to commit to the lavish and overly ambitious Sunday plans we made on an aperol soaked Saturday

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  I am still seething from when you interrupted my punchline with 'borrring this guy an uber'
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  Please do not interrupt the awkward silence with your acapella version of 'Somewhere Only We Know' and then take offence when someone thinks it's Lily Allen's song and not Keane's 
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  We only stayed as we heard you had vienetta, a big bottle of Dr Pepper curly straws, three types of Doritos and Mrs Doubtfire on DVD

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  Please tell the guests to leave. I feel a torrid tummy tickler of a fart coming which I would prefer to execute alone
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  We bought this as there was a rumour Taylor Swift was interested, so we snapped it up to give ourselves maximum smugness and a real thrill.

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  I am sorry but I don't think the guests were ready for, nor appreciated your Japanese jazz funk fusion records
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  Don't you dare interrupt me while I am feeling wonderfully invincible, dancing flawlessly to Talking Heads, fuelled by a lot of wine (and a little line)

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  Oh, do not worry, we will just book flights, pop on a plane and wake up early to scour the flea market, as i am sure we will find the same set of glasses
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  We bought this in the hope the artist will become immensely popular, then we will cash in and buy an understated mega yacht with a tv that rises from the foot of the bed.
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  We must confess we only came to guzzle your wonderful face slapping home made cocktails, finish off your overpriced crisps, drunk sexy dance and generally shit stir
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  This hate plate was attacked by Nicolas Cage with a smooth double karate chop after he took offence to the hate plate referencing him

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  Oh please do not worry it was not expensive, just truly, madly, deeply sentimental
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  Please do not even dare to think about skipping This Must Be The Place as it is beyond perfect

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  Babes, you are not a fucking interior designer

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  Oh Christ. Just pour the wine already

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  Please don't worry it wasn't sentimental. Just really fucking expensive

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  When I said oh I would love to, I meant oh fuck, not another tedious get together

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  Fuck your fucking Tattinger. I am quaffing Lidl Champagne and snuffling hula hoops
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  Oh Christ. Please do not suggest to stay over

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  Sorry darling, there were no sodding Shrigley's left so I got you this
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  Oh my fucking Christ stop your waffling and pour the sodding wine already

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  We are sorry but posting shit pictures of your mediocre living room does not make you an interior designer
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  The coasters are there for a fucking reason
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  Who drank all the fucking rose?

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  Prosecco did not make you do it your irritating personality traits did

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  We must confess we only come to the openings to quaff the alcohol and say things like, i love this, it feels so contemporary

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  No one cares about how many different craft beers you drank you boring arsehole
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  We ordered you an Uber as your three spills was one spill too many sadly
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  Oh fuck your seating plan

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  I regret the sixth espresso martini

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  Oh my fucking lord enough pointless small talk and pour the sodding wine already
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  Bra-fucking-vo on successfully testing my patience to its limit

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  Let's make sure we have a believable excuse to leave the party early

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  Please do not act like a wanker at the afternoon drinks do
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  Thank you for coming. We hope you bring more fucking wine next time

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  When is the earliest we can tell everyone to leave?
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  Oh fuck no, I was not flirting, I was being awkward

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  We will never ever forget your clumsy and avoidable red wine 'accident'

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  Please do not dress sexier than me at the afternoon drinks do
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  We still do not know what you do for a job

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  Please shut up and pour the wine as we have heard this before

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  I only came to quaff the wine, flirt and gossip

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  Please do not text your dealer, this was meant to be a simple drinks do
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  Babes you are not an interior designer
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  Drunk dancing is so much better with you

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  Be useful, fetch more wine