Hate Plates
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A packet of cheese and onion and a wank will have to doSold -
Another shitty night with your shitty friends
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Babes, stop saying your sofa is super vintage when it is Ikea 2020
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Darling, trust me, I am a thespianSold
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Don't you dare expect me to commit to the lavish and overly ambitious Sunday plans we made on an aperol soaked SaturdaySold
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Don't you dare interrupt me while I am feeling wonderfully invincible, dancing flawlessly to Talking Heads, fuelled by a lot of wine (and a little line)
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Don't you dare interrupt the playlist with your drunken rendition of Steps 5 6 7 8
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Fantastic. You drank all the nice wineSold
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I am far too pissed to care for your bullshitSold
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I am sorry but I am finding it hard to get excited about your new sofa (black)
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I am sorry but I don't think the guests were ready for, nor appreciated your Japanese jazz funk fusion records
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I am sorry for overly referencing Tim Robinson's 'I Think You Should Leave'
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I am sorry for zoning out while you re-enacted a scene from a period drama
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I am sorry that I do not share your enthusiasm for your new dog (black)Sold
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I am sorry that I realised I only find you interesting when sharing your coke
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I am still seething from when you interrupted my punchline with 'borrring this guy an uber'
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I only came to take a festering, triple flushing shit in your lovely new bathroom
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I only stayed as I heard fish finger sandwiches were coming
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If you do have to stay the night please save your monstrous hangover poo for homeSold
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Just trust me that now is the moment to play 'ain't it funny' by JLo feat Ja Rule
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Just trust me that now is the perfect moment to wow the party with Something Got Me StartedSold
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Let's go home, watch shit reality tv in bed with an array of maize snacks
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Mr and Mrs shit taste in interior design
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New home same shit smell
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No one cares that your jeans are selvedge Japanese denim
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No one cares where the silly sodding napkins are from
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Now is not the time to kill the mood with your nostalgic indie wank
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Now is probably not the best time to WhatsApp your dealer (saved as Dr Rugs)
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Of fuck off with your let's definitely do drinks soon pleaseSold
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Oh do shut the fuck up about your lovely time away and how it was well deserved (black)Sold
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Oh god. Not another achingly dull still life painting involving some fucking flowers and fruitSold
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Oh please do not worry it was not expensive, just truly, madly, deeply sentimental
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Oh please stop your waffling and pour the sodding wineSold
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Oh, do not worry, we will just book flights, pop on a plane and wake up early to scour the flea market, as i am sure we will find the same set of glasses
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Painfully pointless prosecco party
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Please do not demand to interrupt the carefully curated playlist with shit songs from your very forgettable wedding
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Please do not even dare to think about skipping This Must Be The Place as it is beyond perfect
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Please do not interrupt the awkward silence with your acapella version of 'Somewhere Only We Know' and then take offence when someone thinks it's Lily Allen's song and not Keane'sÂ
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Please do not invite your ex to my drinks do
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Please do not make it awkward by showing us your amateur breakdancingSold
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Please do not vape in the house like some cunty teenager on the busSold
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Please just shush so we can drunk sexy dance to any Nelly Furtado song but preferably one feat Timbaland
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Please no fucking politics at the partySold
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Please politely tell the guests to piss off home
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Please remind the guests to leave at the designated timeSold
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Please stop adding shit nostalgic songs from your youth to the carefully curated playlist
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Please stop banging on about your dull holiday drama involving your in flight neck pillow and pour the ruddy wine
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Please stop boring me with your tedious and complicated exercise routine
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Please stop locking eyes with me when it is time to fart
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Please stop saying 'if you can't beat em Clapham' anytime someone suggests Clapham
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Please take the unsubtle hints and order a fucking cab as we are bored talking about your child reaching its many milestones
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Please take the very obvious hints as it is very fucking well past home time
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Please tell the guests to go. I feel a fart coming
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Please tell the guests to leave. I feel a torrid tummy tickler of a fart coming which I would prefer to execute alone
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Rather pretty shitty vase for pretty shitty flowers
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Sorry but please do not expect me to return the favour
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Sorry but Sunday afternoon is my dedicated snacks, big wank and duvet time
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Sorry I have diarrhoea that evening
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Sorry, they're menthol
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Thank you for coming, I'll send you a link for replacement glassesSold
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Thank you for coming. Where is my birthday present?Sold
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Thank you for coming. Where is my hosting gift?Sold
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Thank you for interrupting my outstanding story with your fucking shit storySold
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This hate plate was a panic buySold
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This hate plate was attacked by Nicolas Cage with a smooth double karate chop after he took offence to the hate plate referencing himSold
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We are sorry but everyone agrees you were a gigantic knobhead at the afternoon tea
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We both know I will not listen to your enthusiastic podcast recommendation
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We bought this as there was a rumour Taylor Swift was interested, so we snapped it up to give ourselves maximum smugness and a real thrill.Sold
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We bought this in the hope the artist will become immensely popular, then we will cash in and buy an understated mega yacht with a tv that rises from the foot of the bed.
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We know it was your rancid, retina burning, panic attack inducing fart
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We must confess we only came to guzzle your wonderful face slapping home made cocktails, finish off your overpriced crisps, drunk sexy dance and generally shit stir
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We must confess we only came to raid your best wine and cause chaosSold
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We only stayed as we heard you had Goldeneye and four controllers
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We only stayed as we heard you ordered good coke
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We only stayed as we heard you were playing the Moldy Peaches debut in it's entirety
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What the fuck did 'hoochie mamas show your nanas' mean?
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When I ask about your week I am not listeningSold
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When I ask if you need anything please just say no thanksSold
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When we put the Lidl hash browns in the oven it is definitely time for everyone to leave
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You make me clammy
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Your 'don't worry I dabbled in dj-ing at uni' does not fill me with much hope
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Your verbal diarrhoea is not welcome here
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We only stayed as we heard you had vienetta, a big bottle of Dr Pepper curly straws, three types of Doritos and Mrs Doubtfire on DVD
